4/04/04

The story of 4/04/04, no memorable event happened that day- nothing I did was unusual. It was all about feeling, but it's hard to express that without sounding like some sort of nutjob, but I'll try…..

taken from an entry written that day:


"Today I am walking from CC's warehouse to the 16th St./Mission BART station, I had an amazing realization that everything is as it should be, that is everything is right at this moment. And this is the point for which I've been waiting to arrive. I felt an in credible happiness. Strange conversions have happened and have been revealed to me which have proven that this is true for this moment.

When I came home after feeling this awareness, feeling completely present to this moment's perfection, I had a message from Matthew ( a friend of K's and my former roommates, who he was trying to get a hold of) I called him back on the number he left, and had to leave another message. Then I called J- my ex-boyfriend and now friend, to tell him how happy I felt on this particular day. And to let him now how much I had appreciated the relationship we had, and that I would always love him, no matter where our lives went. During this conversation, Matthew had called me back; unaware I had left him a message. So I returned his call.

Matthew and I had a great conversation; we were of the same mindset on this day. We marveled at our concurrence, for he too had called his ex-girlfriend and had a similar conversation. (The only other time I had met Matthew was at a party, the night of the BIG TERRIBLE breakup with Aa- another story another time) We agreed that in the future, we should go smell flowers together. (I never spoke to Matthew since. I believe that sometimes people are markers- or bookends in one's life. Their arrival in your life is a beginning of something and their departure is a closing. There have been a few people that have played this role in my life- more on this later.)

So on this day I came to the extensive appreciation of all the events that preceded this day and contributed to what was this moment now. I felt an acceptance of my relationship with CC and acceptance of him. I decided to feel happy to just be with him and to let go of expectations from him and everyone else."


*** Funny after note- the next weekend I wrote: weekend of 4/11-
"As for this weekend with CC- he was irritable and moody. I cried a little- he tried to be nicer. I realized that as much as I feel for him, it will never be an easy relationship. He showed me some moments of tenderness, but in so many ways I an uncertain of how he feels about me. I guess it doesn't matter.


So now, 2 years later, how do I feel on 4/05/06?

I will always carry that day's joy within me. You can't make someone love you, but if they do, it’s the most amazing gift anyone can give you; nurture it and help it grow. Now, apart from work being too hectic, this will only last a few more weeks anyway; there are a number of things I look forward to doing and to feeling.

Thank you for your gift…..